I recently started to question whether Hailey needs me or whether I need Hailey. The obvious answer is that she needs me. After all, she is a baby and still quite dependent on her mommy. However, I’m starting to become aware of subtle thoughts I’m having that make me wonder how much I’m dependent on her.

For the first couple of months after Hailey was born she wasn’t sleeping very well. She was up every hour or so. I was exhausted.

We made an appointment with a lady who does energy work in hopes of finding a solution. She treated both Hailey and I during the session. While she was delving into Hailey’s sleep issues what came up surprised me.

She asked if I was feeling lonely. I had been feeling incredibly alone. It felt like I was the only one who could take care of her because I was nursing.

She said Hailey was responding to my loneliness. She was waking up and nursing frequently in an attempt to help me feel less lonely.

We worked on this together during the appointment and Hailey started sleeping better that night.

Over the last 3 weeks, Hailey has been waking up 2-3 times each night wanting to nurse but does not seem to be hungry. I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on with her and how to deal with it. But I’m starting to wonder if it might be related to how I’m feeling.

I noticed last night when she woke up around 10pm I was relieved. Warning bells went off in my head. Was she waking up for her reasons or mine? I wasn’t supposed to be relieved that she was waking up. I’m supposed to want her to sleep through the night.

And I do want her to sleep through the night. But I apparently have some conflicting emotions going on here. I felt relieved because my boobs were full and needed emptying and I didn’t want to pump, nor did I want to wake up in a few hours soaking wet.

I’ve also been enjoying the middle of the night feedings a bit too much since I started suspecting that she’s weaning herself. The amount of time spent nursing during the day has decreased dramatically. I know its going to be over soon. I enjoy the bonding and snuggle time at night. I’m going to miss it.

The other worry in the back of my mind is the thought of going back to work in less than 3 months. I’m going to miss spending all day with Hailey. I’m going to miss seeing her learn things. I’m scared someone else is going to get to know her better than I do.

I feel like I want the closeness to her right now and I’m getting it by nursing her during the night.

It’s funny because I don’t think of myself as a needy person or a needy mother. I’m usually fine leaving her. I don’t think about her much while I’m out enjoying myself.

But then these insecurities start creeping in. Mostly, I ignore them but I think I need to deal with them if I expect Hailey to sleep through the night again. Right now, I feel like I can’t blame her for waking up during the night because she may be responding to my needs.

She’s growing up and won’t need me forever. When she no longer needs me I’ll know I’ve been a successful parent.

I also know she will benefit from interacting more with other people, forming new relationships, and learning and observing different people’s points of view. Someone recently told me that I’ll soon get to share the experiences I’m missing in another way. I’ll be the one to ask her what happened today and she’ll be able to recount all of her experiences and adventures.

Our relationship will change in a few months and continue to evolve for the rest of our lives. Right now I’m going to focus on changing myself before I put effort into changing Hailey.